


coping mechanisms

by lightfighter



Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Eve character study, F/F, but there's also this unknown number that keeps texting her too, eve copes with the events of s3, except she has no one to talk to so it's just her on her phone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28822269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightfighter/pseuds/lightfighter
Summary: Eve attempts to deal with the fallout of Rome and all that's happened in the six months since.By herself. On her phone.
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Comments: 81
Kudos: 194





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what this is, actually. I hardly ever delve into canon, when AU is, you know, right there, yet here I am. My attempt to explore a little of the woefully understudied wealth of emotions Eve must've been enduring at the start of the season, except it's just Eve typing on her phone.

**Microsoft Bing**

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🔍 shoulder home physical therapy techniques

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🔍 alcohol limit with pain relievers

🔍 how to fix marriage relationship

**Notes App**

5 March 2020, 1:12 AM

Hey Bill. 

You’re probably laughing. I mean, this is, what, the dozenth letter I’ve written to you? More than that? It’s so stupid. I know it is. Probably pathetic, too. You’re shaking your head, aren’t you. All sympathetic, a part of you amused, a bigger part wondering what the fuck I’m doing. But I can’t sleep and my shoulder is fucking throbbing and the internet is useless so here I am. 

I don’t know anymore, okay? My life has been an endless shitshow since Rome. Before that, if I’m being honest. Not that honesty’s ever gotten me anywhere. Didn’t get me anywhere with Frank, that dickswab. Thanks for backing me up on that one, by the way. You’re a good friend. Were. 

Anyway. 

You know what happened there. I told you all of it. I was stupid. So fucking stupid. To think, even for a second, that she could be capable of that, that she was—

 _Anyway_. 

I went to see Niko today. 

He still seems pretty mad at me. I don’t really think I’m getting anywhere, even after all these visits.

And I’m not completely oblivious, okay? Yes, being trapped in a storage unit for several days with the body of that schoolteacher, the one with the tits, after Villanelle taped a bag around her head, would be upsetting. 

And, yes, fine. Quit raising your eyebrows expectantly, I hate when you do that. It’s not just that. He’s mad at _me_. I’ve lied to him and pushed him away and been a selfish bitch, or whatever. 

Today he told me that our entire marriage centered — centers — on me, and that he deserves more than that. More than me.

Maybe he does. I don’t know.

But Villanelle hurt me too. Literally. She fucking shot me, Bill! She left me for dead! 

The girl at checkout at that Korean store in New Malden was going on and on about her honeymoon. Italy. Groundbreaking stuff, I know. That’s gonna be a trainwreck in the making. Rome, she said. What’s more romantic than that?

I had to leave before I slapped her. Or worse. (And that is a little worrying these days, Bill, I won’t lie — I’m so goddamn _angry_ all the time. I have these thoughts. Violent thoughts. I don’t know if they’re intrusive, or it’s just me. Me as I am now. Or have been. Whatever.) 

MI6 has made it clear how very unassociated I am with them, so assault is out of the question. They’d probably love if I was safely tucked away in some cell, actually. But I can’t visit Niko if I’m in jail.

Right. Niko. 

He’s mad. I get that. But he just needs time. I just need to remind him of what matters. We’ve been married for ten years, for god’s sake. We’re gonna throw that all away for, what, a few months of insanity? I never expected things to go how they did. But I was just doing my job! He knows how important my work is to me! He’ll get that, with time. 

He has to get that.

And it’s all over now. It ended with Rome. MI6. Carolyn. Her. It’s all behind me. I remember what matters now, what’s really important. I just want things to be normal. 

I need things to be normal. 

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

**🔍** bitter pill

🔍 bitter pill kenny stowton

🔍 kenny stowton obituary

🔍 how to unlock a phone without passcode

**Notes App**

10 March 2020, 2:18 AM

Bill. You probably already know this. Kenny’s dead. Fell from the roof of his office. 

I saw him seconds after. Saw the body. Threw up shortly after that.

It took me months to stop feeling the blood on my hands, on my face, after Raymond. The dreams took longer. But the restaurant helped, I guess. Being in the kitchen. Cutting up stuff. After a while it all felt interchangeable. (Is that weird? I feel like that might be weird? Who the fuck cares.)

But it all came rushing back, seeing him like that. Not in a good way.

I don’t know if he fell, or was pushed. I don’t want to know. 

That’s all behind me. I can’t do this again. I can’t.

The memorial is this Saturday. He was 26. 

Just a year younger than…Fuck. I’m not doing this.

  
  


**Conversation with Kenny Stowton**

**7 March 4:48 PM**

**[Kenny]** I’ve sent you the BP address, I’ll be here for a while so just come by whenever

 **[Kenny]** Glad you called, Eve

**[Eve]** Yeah, yeah

 **[Eve]** Don’t get sappy on me

**[Kenny]** lol

**10 March 2:16 AM**

**[Eve]** Kenny, you goddamn idiot

 **[Eve]** Why’d you have to keep digging? After Rome, after what happened to Hugo, what happened to me??

 **[Eve]** You fucking IDIOT

**[Eve]** I should have told you to back off. For your own good.

 **[Eve]** I’m so sorry

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

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🔍 how to get over an ex

🔍 how to handle never getting closure

**Notes App**

17 March 2020, 11:39 PM

Which do you think is worse, Bill? A, that Carolyn is trying to rope me back into her schemes so that she can backstab me at her earliest convenience, or that B, Villanelle may be active again.

No. That she is active again. I wasn’t gonna give Carolyn the pleasure of being right. But I knew it from the second she showed me that photo — it’s Villanelle’s work.

So she shoots me, leaves me to bleed out in a ruin, and drops off the map for six months, no doubt living it up across Europe, spending her blood money and fucking random women. I, meanwhile, got to spend that same time laid up in a hospital bed, going through surgery, through weeks of PT to get movement back in my arm and shoulder, selling the house, losing my job, and dealing with Niko getting institutionalized and pushing to end our marriage. 

And now she’s back to work. Six months was enough time to blow off some steam, I guess. And all I can think about is how stupid I was. How stupid I am. 

I was obsessed. Utterly and completely. I can admit that, Bill. She pushed me to places I’ve never let myself go before. 

And it was exhilarating, okay? I’ve admitted that to you, too. For the first time in my life, I felt awake. Wide awake. 

But we know how that ended. I was never awake at all and just locked in some pathetic fantasy, seeing what I wanted to see. If anything she was like a drug that I let myself try once, and then twice, until I couldn’t stop at all. Until it destroyed my life. And I wanted her to. I welcomed it. 

I guess that makes her shooting me the overdose. 

So, in summary: I was an absolute idiot, okay? I let myself fall under the spell of a psychopath known to be charismatic and charming and captivating. And then had the audacity to be surprised when things went south. Because I was _different_. I _understood_ her. I could _change_ her. 

It’s embarrassing as fuck. Thank god MI6 fired me; the thought of that overly-insightful shrink psychoanalyzing me again is too mortifying for words.

And you know what makes it even worse, Bill? She did all that shit to me. And I still can’t stop thinking about her.

But it doesn’t matter. I can’t go through that again. It almost killed me. _She_ almost killed me. 

So who cares if she’s active again. Like I give a shit. Carolyn has nothing on me anymore. And I miss Kenny, of course I miss Kenny, but this isn’t going to bring him back. 

Villanelle can do what she wants. I don’t care. Up and until she’s actively killing _me_ , I really couldn’t care less. 

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

**🔍** does drinking make a head injury worse

🔍 london tfl bus women fight viral video

🔍 do i have a concussion

🔍 how long do stuffed animal voice recorders last

🔍 why am i such an idiot

**Notes App**

27 March 2020, 1:42 AM

Bill. I really need to stop writing. I’m not even writing you. I’m writing in the notes app. You’re dead and you’re not going to read this. 

I should’ve learned my lesson then. When she killed you. But I didn’t. I just fell in deeper. To Moscow, and then to Paris, and even after that, all the way to Rome. 

I thought I finally learned, after that.

I was wrong.

I’m dragging my feet. Even here, on my phone, talking to myself.

Bill. Something happened. 

I thought Villanelle was over me. Shot me and then walked out of my life for good. 

She’s not.

She walked onto my fucking bus today, interrupting me dealing with the news that Niko has fucked off to Poland without telling me — strolled straight up to me with the biggest shit-eating smile and said, “Hi, Eve.” 

After six months of nothing. “Hi Eve.”

I went at her, obviously. Bitch was asking for it.

She shot me, LEFT ME FOR DEAD, and walks up with a smile like nothing happened???

All that anger that’s been building up in me, that anger that I feel in me all the goddamn time, banked and smoldering, that makes me want to shove people onto train tracks and assault checkout girls — well, it had its moment. I’m pretty sure I was screaming.

And she was surprised when I was hitting her, Bill! Surprised, like I was being _unreasonable_.

In that moment I could’ve killed her. Good thing I didn’t have a knife.

I did get a pretty good shot in at her nose. I won’t lie, it was satisfying as hell. 

But then. Um. Well.

I might have kissed her?

Fuck. I kissed her. I KISSED VILLANELLE.

I don’t know, she had me on my back and was trying to get me to smell her (???) and well— it seemed like a good diversionary tactic, obviously, this unhinged person had overpowered me and it was the best thing I could think of to defend myself and get away from her.

…

Okay. No. I’m lying. Even here. To myself.

I wanted to kiss her. So I did.

I can imagine your look of delight, Bill. How fucking gleeful this would make you. Yes, I kissed the delicately-featured, totally focused, yet totally inaccessible assassin. You can collect your bets with the angels, or whatever.

And turns out she’s more accessible than you’d think. You just have to take her by surprise. God knows _she_ wasn’t expecting that.

Anyway, I then reared back and headbutted her as hard as I possibly could, which is why my head is absolutely fucking killing me now and I’ve possibly sustained a concussion. 

...Jesus. Villanelle is back. She didn’t forget about me. She clearly didn’t move on. 

Oh yeah, _she broke into my flat and left a stuffed animal with her fucking voice recorded in it_.

...Don’t ask how many times I’ve listened to it.

As always, I have no idea what the fuck she wants. I barely know what _I_ want. I was furious with her. I _am_ furious with her.

...Villanelle is back. She came to find me.

I’m completely wide awake.

* * *

**Conversation with Unknown Number**

**27 March 4:12 PM**

**[Unknown Number]** How’s your head?

 **[Unknown Number]** You hit me pretty hard, you know.

  
  


**Microsoft Bing**

**🔍** can a headbutt cause serious brain damage

 **🔍** how to know if you’re hallucinating

🔍 how to trace a random phone number by text

🔍 why is my life a fucking joke???

  
  


**Conversation with Unknown Number**

**27 March 6:23 PM**

**[Unknown Number]** Did you get my gift?

 **[Unknown Number]** It was cute, right?

**[Eve]** No. No, absolutely not.

 **[Eve]** This is not happening. 

**[Unknown Number]** Uh oh. Eve, this is definitely happening. You remember what happened right? It was only yesterday??

 **[Unknown Number]** I looked amazing and smelled powerful??

 **[Unknown Number]** How hard did you hit your head?

**[Eve]** Don’t you fucking dare. You SHOT me. You left me for dead!!

**[Unknown Number]** Uh, yeah, and you stabbed me! And you headbutt me very hard, too!

 **[Unknown Number]** Should that be headbutted? Headbutt. Headbutted. This language makes no sense, Eve

**[Eve]** How did you even get my number?? 

**[Unknown Number]** Um, no offense, but for a (former) intelligence agent, security has never been your forte. You should just be pleased that every assassin in England isn’t texting you, frankly.

 **[Unknown Number]**...They're not, right??

**[Eve]** ...You’re absolutely unbelievable. 

**[Unknown Number]** Yes, yes, I have to be seen to be believed, I know this

 **[Unknown Number]** Or maybe touched? That’s why you kissed me, right?

 **[Unknown Number]** I didn’t think you would be the one to make the first move, I will admit. 

**[Unknown Number]** I liked it, though 😉

**[Eve]** I’m blocking this number.

**[Unknown Number]** No wait

 **[Unknown Number]** Please

 **[Unknown Number]** I need to ask you something.

**[Eve]** What.

**[Unknown Number]** Do you always kiss people with your eyes wide open? How does that work?

 **[Unknown Number]** Hello?

 **[Unknown Number]** Oh my god, did you block me??

 **[Unknown Number]** EVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bc villanelle just can't help herself. don't worry, she gets another burner 20 mins later and starts texting eve again. bc she had eve's number THE WHOLE SEASON which is how she was able to call her in scotland?? and there's no way she was NOT gonna hit eve up after eve kissed her??
> 
> ...ahem. anyway. i may add on to this later as the mood strikes, but enjoy this at present. thanks for reading!
> 
> @lightfighterfic on twitter


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eve continues to teach a master class on self-delusion.

**Microsoft Bing**

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🔍 how to check if a blocked number texted you

  
  


**Notes App**

28 March 2020, 11:49 PM

Do you remember the cakes we’d bring into the office on someone’s birthday, Bill? The ten quid ones from Tesco you or I’d grab on our way to work, and then sing obnoxiously loudly during lunch as we made our way to the unlucky party’s desk with the candles lit? 

(Elena _loved_ that, as I recall.)

Those were fun times. You always remembered my favorite flavor; I still remember yours. Mint chocolate chip — so gross. I still don’t understand how you could eat two massive slices of it (one “for me,” because that makes sense). 

I miss those times now. I miss that cake. I even miss the office.

I miss _you_. 

Especially today. 

This time last year you were marching up to my desk with a vanilla raspberry cake and singing very offkey while Elena cackled and filmed the whole thing — I wonder if she still has that video? She must. I know she has the Disney karaoke videos. Too bad she doesn’t reply to my texts anymore. 

If only I’d known that day, there in the drop-dead boring MI5 building, what 43 would bring, starting with your death and ending with my life in shambles — and pretty much all at my own hands — I’d— 

I’d _what_? Change everything? Make sure none of it happened? Stay out of it entirely?

Go back and do it all again?

God, I am so fucked up.

At this point I don’t even want to know what 44 has in store; I’m almost afraid to find out. 

...It did start out with a cake at least. And not a ten quid shop cake either, thank you; I don’t think Villanelle has ever set foot in a Tesco, at least not by choice. This was a one hundred-and-seventy-fucking-nine pound deal from a bakery, obviously, as one does. I looked it up.

As if I should expect anything less from her.

And it was a bus. She’s asking for it, as always. 

(I swear to god, do not ask what “it” is — I don’t know anymore, either, okay?)

...I really wish I tried a bite before I threw it off the roof. 

She’s disappeared again. I have no idea if she’s still in London, or in Paris, or in goddamn Russia for all I know. Apparently she’s had my number since— I don’t even know when, so she can break into my flat, fight me on public transport, send me some wiseass texts and then— just disappear again. 

(Fine, yes, I blocked her number, but when has that ever stopped her?)

So I don’t even know what to make of this, this...peace offering? Tongue in cheek reminder? _Threat_? 

All three? 

But she’s disappeared again, so it doesn’t matter. 

What _matters_ , is that Niko may have disappeared, but he’s back now. Or, at least, willing to talk. I have to fix this, Bill. I have to make this work. He’s texting me from Poland — that’s a start. We can get past this. 

I need to believe that. We had a good thing. Maybe he’s remembering that now, too.

That’s what I need to focus on.

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

🔍 how to restore trust in a relationship

🔍 what is considered cheating

🔍 white lies in a relationship

🔍 cheap london warsaw flights

  
  


**Conversation with Unknown Number**

**29 March 7:12 PM**

**[Unknown Number]** Happy birthday, Eve.

 **[Unknown Number]** Did you like the cake?

**[Eve]** Look who got a new number.

**[Unknown Number]** Don’t tell me you’re mad? You’re the one who blocked me!

**[Eve]** And YOU’RE the one who shot me!

 **[Eve]** Asshole

**[Unknown Number]** Didn’t we already do this??

 **[Unknown Number]** You headbutted me about it, if I remember

**[Eve]** Your ego is truly boundless

**[Unknown Number]** Yes, and well deserved. And I think you like it

 **[Unknown Number]** I am very happy you are alive, for what it is worth

**[Eve]** You have a funny way of showing it

 **[Eve]** What kind of plan is showing up on my bus and disappearing again? What’s the point??

**[Unknown Number]** Ha, I knew you missed me

 **[Unknown Number]** But you’re right. I wanted to stay, but my work has taken me elsewhere

 **[Unknown Number]** And...other matters

**[Eve]** Well, that was effectively useless

 **[Eve]** Your work? So you’re back with the Twelve? Even after Raymond?

 **[Eve]** And what other matters could you possibly have?!

**[Unknown Number]** I am a busy person, Eve

 **[Unknown Number]** I have many things going on. I am quite in demand, moving up in the world

 **[Unknown Number]** It doesn’t all revolve around you, you know

**[Eve]** I...never said that it did.

**[Unknown Number]** You didn’t need to.

 **[Unknown Number]** As for that toad Raymond — he was all bark and no bite. His threats were ridiculous and didn’t go anywhere, as I knew they wouldn’t

 **[Unknown Number]** But I’m very glad he is dead. Nice job with that, by the way

**[Eve]** Fuck you.

**[Unknown Number]** Oh, admit it, Eve. You did what you wanted, as you always do in the end. I just gave you a little push

 **[Unknown Number]** Have you been able to confess it yet, even to yourself? That you and I are much more similar than we are different? I will not say “the same” — I know how it riles you

**[Eve]** No. No, we’re not

 **[Eve]** Look, I’ve had time to think. You’re right, it’s not all you. You’re...whatever you are and you bring these things out of me but I can’t blame everything that happened on you. I made my choices

 **[Eve]** But I’m choosing to move past all of it. Choosing to be a better person, and recognize the damage I’ve caused.

 **[Eve]** And maybe I’m not “normal,” either. I’ve done way too much shit for that. But that’s what I need now. I need things to be normal. To try and fix things, to fix my life

 **[Eve]** So, no, Villanelle. We’re not the same 

**[Eve]** And I’m going to work things out with Niko, as a start

**[Unknown Number]**...Wow

 **[Unknown Number]** I’m whatever I am, huh

 **[Unknown Number]** You really know how to make a girl feel special, Eve

**[Eve]** That’s not what I meant

**[Unknown Number]** Whatever. It doesn’t matter

 **[Unknown Number]** Also — my god, don’t tell me the moustache is still in the picture? 

**[Eve]** Barely, and no thanks to you

**[Unknown Number]** I will never understand that

 **[Unknown Number]** Like, ever

 **[Unknown Number]** But don’t mistake me, Eve. I will not attempt to stop you in this journey towards...normalcy, if that’s what you’re afraid of

 **[Unknown Number]** I am no longer in the business of chasing you endlessly. I have my own life, my own aims, unrelated to you

**[Eve]** I get it, okay. That’s fine. Totally fine. Do what you want, it’s none of my business obviously

 **[Eve]** And don’t feel like you need to keep texting me then, seems like you’re a bit more invested than you claim

**[Unknown Number]** Well, you did kiss me, Eve

 **[Unknown Number]** So it seemed like the polite thing to do

**[Eve]** Oh my god, fuck off

**[Unknown Number]** I will. We are both clearly very busy 

**[Eve]** Yes. Clearly

**[Unknown Number]** And I wouldn’t want to interrupt your life fixing or whatever — you’ve moved past everything, after all

 **[Unknown Number]** Try not to get yourself killed in the process

**[Eve]** Pretty sure the last one who almost died is you, if we’re not including you SHOOTING me right after

**[Unknown Number]** Oh my god, will you ever let that GO??

**[Eve]** Probably not. Will you ever stop being so goddamn infuriating?!?

**[Unknown Number]** Probably not!

**[Eve]** Great! Of course not!

**[Unknown Number]** Yes! It is!

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

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🔍 check travel insurance coverage 

🔍 nhs medical repatriation

🔍 power of attorney

🔍 am i having a panic attack

**Notes App**

1 April 2020, 6:12 AM

I’m honestly not sure if any of this is real, Bill. I mean, I haven’t slept in over 48 hours, so that’s definitely part of it, but something tells me this would feel just as surreal without the sleep deprivation. 

Niko’s in hospital.

What a wonderfully banal sentence. Delightfully euphemistic, vague, safe. I can see you looking at me skeptically, so let me try again: 

About thirty seconds after I arrived at Niko’s family farm outside Warsaw, I watched as someone shoved a pitchfork through his neck. Right into one side and out the other, the prongs red. He fell to his knees and looked so scared.

And you know what the worst part is? All I can think about is, he didn’t look happy to see me. He looked...confused.

Before he got pitchforked, I mean.

I know. I know, okay? This is one of those thoughts I have that I would never utter to another soul, not even you, Bill, but you’re dead and I’m talking to you on the notes app so it doesn’t really matter. But there’s more to it, okay, it’s not just my horrible self-obsessed nature, proof of the wrongness deep inside me, or whatever Niko might say. 

If he looked confused, it was probably because he didn’t know I was coming. Let alone want me to come. Let alone _text_ me to come. 

It was a setup.

As if him getting pitchforked immediately after I show up isn’t indication enough.

It’s all kind of a blur after that. I had to use one hand to try to keep him from bleeding out — neck wounds bleed a lot, Bill, I learned this when Villanelle slit Aaron Peel’s throat — while I used the other to try and find Poland’s emergency number and use my shitty Polish to get an ambulance there before he died of blood loss, and after getting him to the closest metro hospital, moving heaven and earth and any last government contact I had left to get him airlifted back to the UK. All I knew was I had to get him, and myself, the fuck out of Poland.

His family already thought I’m insane, and especially after the last few months, and _especially_ after yesterday. But who cares. _I’m_ his wife, I’m his emergency contact, and I’m calling the shots on his care. 

Even if his dad glares bloody murder at me from the waiting room.

He should be waking up soon. And I...I don’t know what to say.

He was lucky. He’s alive. His vocal cords are completely fucked, but he’s alive. He can still live a full life. 

I’ll admit. I don’t really know what to say to him, about any of this. How can I make this better? I never wanted any of this to happen. He didn’t even invite me to Poland, wasn’t looking to reconcile. He just got caught up in a web much larger than him. Again.

Because this happened because of _me_. Obviously. No one is targeting Niko if not to send me a message — even if I have no idea what “still got it” is supposed to mean. 

Was I supposed to think it’s Villanelle? I mean, if I was, that note did absolutely nothing to convince me of that...but more importantly, Villanelle wouldn’t. 

I still believe that, after everything. Isn’t that funny? Or not funny at all?

But I don’t. 

Even after our last...conversation. I’m beginning to think I fucked that up, by the way, Bill. I think I hurt her. 

I wasn’t trying to, not in the active, concerted way I have in the past. I was just trying to tell her that I’ve changed since Rome, that I’ve remembered my priorities and what’s important. I was being _honest_.

So why did I have this pit in my stomach as I typed out the words? Have a lurching sense of wrongness as I hit send, feel like total shit afterwards? That pause, before she replied — I almost took it all back. 

...

Oh, Niko just moved! Wait— I think he’s waking up. 

I need to find who did this to him. That’s where I’ll start. He’ll get it. He has to.

More later.

* * *

**Conversation with V**

**2 April 8:28 PM**

**[Eve]** I know it wasn’t you. 

**[Eve]** Were you in Lyon recently?

**2 April 9:02 PM**

**[Eve]** Hello?

**2 April 10:17 PM**

**[Eve]** Seriously? So you can text me whenever but can’t respond?

**2 April 10:40 PM**

**[Eve]** Where are you??

**2 April 11:03 PM**

**[Eve]** Seriously, Villanelle, this isn’t funny

 **[Eve]** Whatever game you think you’re playing, I’m not in the mood

**2 April 11:34 PM**

**[Eve]** Is this about last time? Look, I was really stressed. I know you have other stuff in your life. I know I’m not the main focus of it. Or whatever. And you know I don’t think you’re a freak or something like that, right? You’re a person. You’re just a person. 

**2 April 11:48 PM**

**[Eve]** You can be such an asshole, you know that??

**2 April 11:58 PM**

**[Eve]** Please let me know you’re okay.

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

🔍 how to check if a phone number is still in use

🔍 how to check if your number has been blocked

🔍 cheap london barcelona flights

🔍 best barcelona bowling alley

🔍 bowling for dummies

**Notes App**

6 April 2020, 1:03 AM

I am weirdly good at bowling, Bill. Why did we never bowl together?? I would’ve kicked your ass.

Dasha wasn’t expecting it, that’s for sure.

Yeah, I found her. Guess I’m a better intelligence agent than anyone gave me credit for.

We talked. She tried to threaten me, of course, more bullshit about the vast reach of the Twelve, I’m so in over my head, blah blah blah. 

That doesn’t matter. What _does_ matter, is first off, that I’m sure she’s the one who hurt Niko.

I want to make her pay. That anger in me was rising to the surface the longer we spoke, the more smug she became. I didn’t bash her head in with a bowling ball, but it was a near thing. Honestly, maybe I should have.

Yes, Niko may be done with me. Forever. And maybe that’s what I deserve; I’ve done enough to him. It’s all I’ve been thinking about, these last few days I’ve been back, from the minute I walked out of his hospital room. The pursuit of normalcy and getting my life back was a pipe dream. That was all gone the moment I sank a knife into Villanelle’s stomach, no matter what I want to pretend or deny.

But that doesn’t mean I’m going to forget what happened to him, or that it was because of me. The opposite, in fact. 

That’s not all I learned. Dasha was Villanelle’s original handler, the one who trained her and turned her into the Twelve’s most deadly assassin.

And clearly has a complex about it. “I broke her back and gave her wings,” who even talks like that? And who would talk about _Villanelle_ like that?

But one thing is clear: Dasha and the Twelve don’t know Villanelle at all. Dasha said she was nothing but a killer — “that’s all she’s there for, that’s all she knows.”

Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?

I know I said I was trying to move on, Bill. Trying to wake up from the Villanelle-induced fantasy I’d let myself sink into. But it’s becoming more and more clear that I’m maybe the only person alive who’s willing to see her as anything more than what the world has reduced her to, what the Twelve has written her off as. 

I’m worried about her. She said she was in demand, that she’s moving up in the world. What does that even mean?? She can’t— she thinks she can take care of herself, but— I need to know she’s safe.

And I can’t stop thinking about our conversation. I think — no, I _know_ I fucked that up, with my endless self-delusion and lies and inability to be honest with anyone, least of all myself. 

She’s not replying to my texts. There’s no way I didn’t hurt her. That’s what I do, apparently. I hurt people. Even when I’m not trying to. But lack of intent to harm has never been an excuse.

I hope she’s okay. I wish...well, I guess that doesn’t really matter.

* * *

**Conversation with V**

**7 April 6:42 AM**

**[V]** Hi, Eve. 

**[V]** I am okay.

**[Eve]** Are you?

**[V]** I don’t know.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> on GOD we're gonna give eve character dev this season!!!
> 
> thanks to Spayne for beta reading and being a very patient sounding board re: the nuances of one Eve Polastri. 
> 
> ty for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eve sets out to fix things.

**Conversation with V**

**9 April 3:15 PM**

**[Eve]** Hi. Me again

 **[Eve]** I mean, you know that obviously. Since this is a text and all

 **[Eve]** I just wanted to check in? We haven’t talked much.

 **[Eve]** Um, not that we should be. Or anything.

 **[Eve]** I just wanted to see if you’re doing okay.

**Notes App**

9 April 2020, 4:02 PM

She’s not replying, Bill. I don’t know what to do.

  
  


**Microsoft Bing**

🔍 is it a breakup if you were never together

🔍 like really, never together

🔍 why do i push everyone away

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

🔍 chic overcoats

🔍 neutral tone overcoats

🔍 seriously where does carolyn get her coats

🔍 ’heroes only get the girl in Hollywood’

🔍 what does carolyn know??

  
  


**Conversation with V**

**11 April 10:12 PM**

**[Eve]** You can talk to me, you know? 

**[Eve]** Okay, maybe you don’t know. I know I...haven’t always given you that impression.

 **[Eve]** But you can.

 **[Eve]** I don’t know what’s going on, or if something’s happening with you. But I just want you to know you always have options. You’re your own person, Villanelle  
  


**Notes App**

11 April 2020, 11:08 PM

You’re probably sick of my sad sack letters by now, Bill. Honestly, I can’t blame you. But you’re dead and thus can’t really stop me writing to you. Sorry. It _is_ more than pathetic, though, the way things manage to get even more fucked up between every letter I write you. I mean, god, where is the bottom of this hole?? I thought I hit rock bottom when I got shot and fired and separated and moved out of my townhouse into a shithole studio and had to start chopping up chickens for a living. 

But that was just circle of hell number one, as it turns out.

Fucking Carolyn. Every time she meets me, and looks at me across the desk or kitchen counter or cafe table we’re sitting at with that searching, politely bemused stare, I want to _hit_ something. It’s infuriating, and not only because she’s played me — played _Villanelle_ — more than once. She always seems to know something I don’t, and to find it amusing, or at least of vague interest.

Well, usually. Today at breakfast she just seemed annoyed. She told me that I’m “blinkered.” That “heroes only get the girl in Hollywood,” which, I just?? And it’s not a movie quote or something. I looked it up. 

Obviously, she’s referring to Villanelle. Which is perplexing in and of itself. I mean, I’m not trying to _get_ her. I’m trying to _find_ her. 

I told Carolyn that it’s because she’s our best bet at finding the Twelve. Which is true. She is.

Carolyn didn’t seem convinced. 

Well, who cares what she thinks. She can think whatever she wants about me, about Villanelle. 

About us. 

It doesn’t matter. Especially now. When it feels like I’m losing Villanelle, even if I never had her. 

Especially if I never had her. 

Maybe Carolyn is onto something, something more than I would ever admit. To her, at least. 

But here, just between the two of us...I’ve made a mistake, Bill. A big one. The Niko fiasco was one thing, but this is something else entirely. 

Maybe because it’s all of my own doing.

I told Villanelle that I’m moving on. That we’re not the same. That I’m choosing to be a better person. 

I think she actually listened. 

This is what I wanted, right? So why do I feel like I’m losing my mind? Every additional text she doesn’t reply to make the pit in my stomach that much worse? 

She said that she didn’t know if she was okay and then just...disappeared. 

It feels impossible for Villanelle to not be around, in some capacity. I can’t deal with her not wanting me. Pursuing me. Giving a shit about me. 

There. I said it. 

It was easy to give her those bullshit lines about being better, being the _adult_ , when she was still listening to me say them. 

And it _was_ all bullshit. I’m the goddamn master of self-deception — and even _believing_ my own lies — but turns out it’s only fun being the emotionally mature, superior one when I have her there as an audience. 

I miss her. I’m so mad at her. And I’m so fucking worried about her. I just need her to reply, so that I know she’s not...I don’t even know. I don’t want to think about it. 

  
  


**Conversation with V**

**11 April 11:35 PM**

**[V]** Sometimes the things we think are options turn out to be more of the same, Eve

 **[V]** Thinking things can be different is dangerous.

 **[V]**...I don’t even know why I’m texting you, this is pointless

**[Eve]** No

 **[Eve]** No, it’s not

 **[Eve]** I meant what I said. You can talk to me, Villanelle

**[V]** Can I, Eve? Can I really?

 **[V]** We are not the same. You said it yourself. 

**[V]** You’re “moving past it,” was the phrasing, I believe

**[Eve]** I shouldn’t have said that

 **[Eve]** I didn’t mean it. 

**[V]** That seems to be a trend with you, Eve

 **[V]** But whatever. It really doesn’t matter 

**[Eve]** Okay. I deserved that.

[Eve] But just listen. Please.

**[V]** What.

**[Eve]** We’ve hurt each other. Badly. I get that. It’s a nasty habit we have, I guess. But maybe we could..I don’t know...try something else. Or something

**[V]** Try something else? Eve, you don’t even think I can love. 

**[Eve]** Don’t do that

 **[Eve]** You know I don’t think that. Not anymore

**[V]** Things don’t change. Can’t change. It’s pointless to think otherwise

 **[V]** Let’s not fool ourselves

**[Eve]** V, what is this really about?

 **[Eve]** What happened?

**[V]** Nothing. It doesn’t matter

 **[V]** All that matters is that I’m getting out, Eve

 **[V]** So if you’re texting me out of some misplaced sense of guilt or duty, don’t feel the need

**[Eve]** You know that’s not why I am, stop doing this...whatever it is you’re doing

 **[Eve]** If you haven’t been able to push me away thus far, you’re really not going to accomplish it now

 **[Eve]** And what do you mean getting out? 

**[Eve]** Can we talk in person? Where are you?

**[V]** Don’t worry about it. Keep pursuing the normal life you want so much, Eve, don’t worry about me

 **[V]** I’ll be fine

**[Eve]** For god’s sake, Villanelle

 **[Eve]** Hello?

 **[Eve]** Oh, really, that’s how we’re going to do this?

 **[Eve]** I know you’re still reading these. 

**[Eve]** You’re mad at me. I know I hurt you. But you’ve really hurt me too, okay?? So can we just leave it there for the moment?

 **[Eve]** And since you’ve seemed to forgotten, I’m really fucking good at finding you. 

**[Eve]** So that’s what I’m going to do. And then we’re going to talk.

**[V]** Don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be, Eve

 **[V]** Oh, wow, so now you’re not going to respond?

 **[V]** Real mature

* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

🔍 can you get raided twice in a day

🔍 how to impersonate law enforcement

🔍 social engineering methods

🔍 where would an assassin retire to

  
  


**Notes App**

13 April 2020, 9:22 AM

Okay, so, Villanelle is being weird and evasive, so obviously I need to go find her and figure out what’s going on with her. I don’t know what this “getting out” business is, but like hell am I going to let her just disappear. Honestly, she had to know that when she let it slip. 

Hmm…is she...

Regardless. You know me, Bill. I just can’t let things go. 

Or people, I guess.

Especially when they’re Villanelle. 

  
  


* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

🔍 london to aberdeen train

🔍 castle stuart golf links

🔍 how to apologize to someone for saying they’re incapable of love and don’t even know what it is

  
  


**Notes App**

14 April 2020, 6:49 AM

Well, she’s in Scotland. Or at least her credit card is. 

I’m on the train now. And it’s all starting to feel very real. I actually have a lead, Bill. I know where she is, and I’m going to get her. Find her. Whatever. 

I’ve been rereading our texts. Something definitely happened to her. Or she happened to something, more likely. Either way, she’s off. 

The more I think about it, the more worried I get. Does she have anyone she can trust? 

Aside from me, I mean. Even if she doesn’t think that right now. 

Something pushed her to a breaking point, to a place where she feels like her only option is to flee. 

I’m not going to let her slip between my fingers.

...Stop smirking. I can hear you asking why I care so much, after all that’s happened. 

I...it’s complicated, okay? She happened to you and that schoolteacher and me and to so many others, and yet I just can’t let her go. She understands me, perhaps more than anyone else ever has, even you. And that’s equal parts terrifying and exhilarating. 

But you know what? I understand her too, Bill. Even when I wish I didn’t. Even if she doesn’t think I do. 

I’ve made so many mistakes. Most of them, I can never even start to fix — if I even wanted to. “Who says I want to be happy?” I meant it when I said that to Kenny. At that point in time, that’s all I could envision, in a bleak world without Villanelle. Turns out freedom is its own cage. 

But I’ve changed, Bill. Turns out even I’m capable of growth — I know, I’m shocked too. I’m finally trying to strip away the worst of my deception and make my own choices. Free of MI6 and Niko and Carolyn and anyone else. I know what I want.

I need to get to her.

* * *

**Conversation with V**

**14 April 12:24 PM**

  
  


**[Eve]** Are you ready to talk about this?

 **[Eve]** Guess not. 

**[Eve]** I’m not going to let this go, Villanelle. 

**[Eve]** You could just tell me where you are, you know

**[V]** Will you EVER take a hint, Eve?!

 **[V]** You made your position clear enough

 **[V]** You can drop this act, you really don’t need to keep it up anymore. You’re better off without me, anyway

**[Eve]** I think I’ll be the judge of that. And the only one keeping up an act here is you

 **[Eve]** I’ll see you soon. 

**[V]** Sure, Eve, whatever you say

 **[V]** Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get changed. I have an appointment to keep

  
  


* * *

**Microsoft Bing**

🔍 how do you know if you're crushing someone's ribs

🔍 is it bad if i liked it

🔍 aberdeen train station

🔍 heart attack first aid

🔍 what the fuck

🔍 grinch golf outfit?

🔍 i don’t even know how to begin describing it bing

**Conversation with V**

**14 April 3:12 PM**

**[V]** You came.

**[Eve]** Said I would.

 **[Eve]** Can I ask what exactly you’re wearing?

**[V]** It’s fashion, Eve

 **[V]** But it was very comforting to see your parka, I’ll admit

 **[V]** I didn’t actually think you would come

**[Eve]** That why you jumped on that train?

**[V]** It looked like my only option at the time

**[Eve]** If you would ever just listen to me — you always have options

**[V]** I’m always listening to you, Eve

**[Eve]** Well, you were right anyway. You managed to slip away right at the end

 **[Eve]** So now what? Do I need to find you all over again?

 **[Eve]** I hope you know that I can, now?

**[V]** Go back to London

 **[V]** Something tells me you’ll hear from me soon

**[Eve]** As long as it’s not coming out of a bear

**[V]** You liked it.

**[Eve]** Could’ve done without the break-in.

**[V]** That’s part of my charm

 **[V]** I’m glad you came, Eve. I didn’t think you would

**[Eve]** Maybe we should work on the trust thing. Both of us

**[V]** Maybe

 **[V]** A lot’s happened, Eve. I don’t...think I am who I was

**[Eve]** A lot’s happened to me, too. 

**[Eve]** We can work it out, V

 **[Eve]** Talk soon?

**[V]** Talk soon. Promise

* * *

“We have to stop running into each other like that. It’s not good for both of us.”

“You’re the drama queen who keeps staging dramatic exits.”

“Would you expect anything less?”

“I guess not.”

“You like it, anyway.”

“...Maybe.”

  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's that. yes, villanelle had eve's number the whole time, but this time actually capitalized on that fact!! season 3 who??
> 
> this was a fun little experiment in alternative storytelling. i love eve polastri so much, my contradictory delusional amoral complex QUEEN.
> 
> ty for reading :) @lightfighterfic on twitter


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